With love, we say goodbye.

This morning we said good-bye to Emma.  I never seriously thought we would have to do this, and I haven’t completely wrapped my mind around it, but I do feel God’s peace right now.  I was able to experience her life in a way that I have not experienced anyone else’s.  God held her close and allowed me to just hold her hand.  We strongly feel that she knows the Lord by sight, and that when she saw His face she smiled the biggest smile she has ever had.  And though my hand feels painfully empty right now, I know she is experiencing the joys of a perfect body and I couldn’t ask her to come back to the one she had here.

I know some people will want to know the details, but others may not.  So if you don’t wish to read about it skip the next paragraph.
Last night Emma was fussy, yet at times she looked so content and happy to be home from the hospital.  She was kicking her legs and giving us just a hint of a smile.  She woke up several times when she was supposed to be napping, but after her 8:30 feed fell sound asleep.  She cried and moved around some during her 12:00am feed, but didn’t actually completely wake up.  She seemed to be in no distress other than reflux problems, so I left her hooked up to her G-tube and went to bed.  I was so exhausted that I slept without waking until 6:30 this morning.  I went in to feed her and began repositioning her for her feed as she had scooted down in the bed, something she often does in the night.  As I was moving her I was struck that she has never slept so soundly as she didn’t move at all.  I went to empty her g-tube to prepare for her feed and noticed blood in the tube (this happened on Friday as well).  Upon closer examination I saw what appeared to be blood around her mouth so I went to turn on the light.  I seriously thought I saw her breathing before that point, but I am not sure.  When I returned to her crib from turning on the light I realized her chest was not moving.  I called John and told him to call 911.  I scooped her up and quickly recalled what I knew about CPR and began breathing for her.  Then I listened for a heart beat and felt and heard absolutely nothing.  I continued to do CPR for the few minutes before the ambulance and paramedics arrived.  They took her and asked a few questions and then took her to the ambulance.  It took them a few minutes to head to the hospital, so I think they were placing the vent tube at that point.  Upon arriving at the hospital the paramedic came to ask a few more clarifying questions and then told us that she was on the ventilator, but they hadn’t been able to start her heart yet.  An excruciatingly long wait later the doctor entered and told us he did not have good news for us.  He had not had any response whatsoever from her heart or her nerves.  She appeared to have possibly had a seizure, but they were not sure.  During the wait I went from the assurance that God could save her and the hope that He would to the sudden feeling that God had whispered that she was gone.

I know that He prepared us for this in the best possible way and that He will be there for this greiving process.  I have never greived a death before, so pray for us through this time.  I know in my heart that this happened in the best possible way, but I am still going through the many “what if’s.”  I feel very numb right now.  Also please pray as John and I are just about to go out to my parents and sit and talk with Elise.  I know 3-year-olds are very acceptive of death, but please pray we will have the words to say to her.  John and I will be at my parents today, please feel free to call.  Right now I am feeling like talking, but if that changes I will be sure to say so.  I will post details later about memorial service, etc.

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16 thoughts on “With love, we say goodbye.

  1. John and Miriam and Elise,

    I’m very sorry to hear this news. I just heard this morning. May our God comfort and give you hope through the questions and know that I will be praying for all three of you and the extended family in the upcoming weeks and months.

    Dan Holcomb

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  2. John and Miriam,

    We love you all so much and want you to know that we are praying for God’s comfort and peace.

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  3. I’m so sorry about all this wish I could help take the pain away and I happened to see the ambulance today on my way back from max’s store.

    I knew then it was bad I told matt it didn’t look good when I saw all the flashing lights.
    I will pray for you and the rest of the family if you need anything let me know.
    sherri Hyde

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  4. Dearest John and Miriam,
    We recieved an email early this morning from Mark. We are so sad to hear that Emma is gone. Your post is a beautiful testimony of the amazing life she had. You will be touched by her forever. Know that our family is praying for you today, and for the days to come.
    With love and prayers,
    Kim

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  5. Miriam, my heart is breaking for you, John, Elise, and your families right now. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say to you to comfort you. Know that we love you, that the Lord loves you. Please know that we will do whatever you need us to in order to help you through this. God is merciful, and though it sometimes feels like it’s more than you can bear, He is always waiting and listening for you. Again, please know that we’re here, we love you, and you are so deep in our prayers.

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  6. We continue to deliberately pray for you both and for the family. Please let us know if we can help you in any way.

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  7. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

    Having lost twins, I understand part of your pain. Feel free to call anytime if you would like…I am available.

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  8. We love you and are lifting you up in our prayes.

    May GOD’s grace flood your hearts and I pray that each of you will feel Him holding you during this time. He is so close to the brokenhearted and feels your pain and brings you His comfort.

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  9. Miriam and John — My deepest sympathy on the Home Going of little Emma — Great Grandma Betty Moore has been keeping us up to date on Emma’s struggles over the past several months. May God be with you at this time. Georgia Bess

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  10. Miriam, John & Elise,
    I heard about your loss this week here in NJ and I just want to tell you how sorry I was to hear the news. I have no idea what it feels like and can only imagine. You are all in our thoughts and prayers and I want you to know that our church are praying for you also. You are being lifted up. May God hold you in His perfect grip at this sad time.
    Please know we are thinking of you all.
    In HIs Love Vicky, Mark, Emily & Charlotte Olson

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