This morning we said good-bye to Emma. I never seriously thought we would have to do this, and I haven’t completely wrapped my mind around it, but I do feel God’s peace right now. I was able to experience her life in a way that I have not experienced anyone else’s. God held her close and allowed me to just hold her hand. We strongly feel that she knows the Lord by sight, and that when she saw His face she smiled the biggest smile she has ever had. And though my hand feels painfully empty right now, I know she is experiencing the joys of a perfect body and I couldn’t ask her to come back to the one she had here.
I know some people will want to know the details, but others may not. So if you don’t wish to read about it skip the next paragraph.
Last night Emma was fussy, yet at times she looked so content and happy to be home from the hospital. She was kicking her legs and giving us just a hint of a smile. She woke up several times when she was supposed to be napping, but after her 8:30 feed fell sound asleep. She cried and moved around some during her 12:00am feed, but didn’t actually completely wake up. She seemed to be in no distress other than reflux problems, so I left her hooked up to her G-tube and went to bed. I was so exhausted that I slept without waking until 6:30 this morning. I went in to feed her and began repositioning her for her feed as she had scooted down in the bed, something she often does in the night. As I was moving her I was struck that she has never slept so soundly as she didn’t move at all. I went to empty her g-tube to prepare for her feed and noticed blood in the tube (this happened on Friday as well). Upon closer examination I saw what appeared to be blood around her mouth so I went to turn on the light. I seriously thought I saw her breathing before that point, but I am not sure. When I returned to her crib from turning on the light I realized her chest was not moving. I called John and told him to call 911. I scooped her up and quickly recalled what I knew about CPR and began breathing for her. Then I listened for a heart beat and felt and heard absolutely nothing. I continued to do CPR for the few minutes before the ambulance and paramedics arrived. They took her and asked a few questions and then took her to the ambulance. It took them a few minutes to head to the hospital, so I think they were placing the vent tube at that point. Upon arriving at the hospital the paramedic came to ask a few more clarifying questions and then told us that she was on the ventilator, but they hadn’t been able to start her heart yet. An excruciatingly long wait later the doctor entered and told us he did not have good news for us. He had not had any response whatsoever from her heart or her nerves. She appeared to have possibly had a seizure, but they were not sure. During the wait I went from the assurance that God could save her and the hope that He would to the sudden feeling that God had whispered that she was gone.
I know that He prepared us for this in the best possible way and that He will be there for this greiving process. I have never greived a death before, so pray for us through this time. I know in my heart that this happened in the best possible way, but I am still going through the many “what if’s.” I feel very numb right now. Also please pray as John and I are just about to go out to my parents and sit and talk with Elise. I know 3-year-olds are very acceptive of death, but please pray we will have the words to say to her. John and I will be at my parents today, please feel free to call. Right now I am feeling like talking, but if that changes I will be sure to say so. I will post details later about memorial service, etc.