Sadness fills my heart.

I am feeling very sad today. This wave of sadness began yesterday when I suddenly became very angry unexpectedly while tearing up a piece of paper. I lost it and started crying and just telling God that I want Emma back. I know I can’t have her back and I know that I do want what’s best for her, but that doesn’t stop the longing in my soul to hold her close. If I had just one more chance to hold her. . .

I need to be sad right now. I want to be sad right now. But pray for me that I will have patience with Elise through this time. It is hard when I want to sit down and just be sad and she is begging me to play make-believe with her, and I just don’t want to.

I do have something wonderful to share though. Many of you have heard me say that I was kind of sad lately that Elise doesn’t mention Emma at all. But yesterday when we went shopping with friends, she was talking about her with her friend. I couldn’t hear what she was saying about her, I think they were just discussing sisters, but it made me glad to hear her name from Elise’s lips. Later they were even looking at her pictures on my bag. Elise insists that the pictures are of “Emma Anne,” not just “Emma.” Then last night after I put her to bed she called me down to tell me that the kids on her cd were singing about Emma. (She listens to music at bed time). I was curious so I came down to her room and went one song back to find out what song it was. It was “Amazing Grace.” That is Emma’s song, though I am not sure how Elise knows it is. Either from the funeral services, or from my singing it to Emma, or if it just sounds like they are saying Emma, but it was special to me.

emmasleeping.jpgAmazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost, but now am found;

was blind, but now I see.

newborn3.jpgTwas Grace that taught my heart to fear.

And grace, my fears relieved.

How precious did that grace appear,

the hour I first believed.

IMG_3424.jpgThrough many trials, toils, and snares,

We have already we come.

Tis grace that’s brought us safe thus far,

And grace will lead us home.

IMG_3738.jpgWhen we’ve been there 10,000 years,

Bright shining as the sun,

We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise,

Than when we’d first begun.

I sang this song to Emma often because it seemed to fit her so well. Not only did her name mean complete grace, but I felt that through her I had learned to fear and to hope. With her we went through many trials, toils, and snares, and God had brought us safely through. I used to change the last line of verse 3 to God will lead us on, becuase I didn’t feel that going home was part of our struggle, but now I realize it was. In fact I like to sing it now: “And grace has brought you home.”