Waves.

I have determined that for now grief comes in waves.  Every week, in fact every day, is different.  Some days I am emotional and very close to tears, the next day I am very much in control and can’t even cry that much even if I want to.  Saturday was an emotional day and I felt like my times of grieving kept getting interrupted, so I asked for some time alone on Sunday.  I took a walk all the way to the cemetery and back.  I was out for two hours.  I like going there, though I know Emma isn’t actually there it is a good place to put my thoughts together.  Surprisingly enough, I cried very little Sunday.  Now today, Monday, I have already dissolved into tears over little things.  I don’t really mind either type of day.  It is perhaps good that I have breaks from the emotional ones, but I am still glad I have them as they let me release and realize my sadness.  Today it is the little things that are bringing memories of Emma.  I see a date sometime before her death and I remember how much hope I had and the plans we had.  I bring Elise something to do and realize that before I would have brought her that while I fed Emma.

Today I am trying to get back into somewhat of a schedule, both for me and for Elise.  I am going to try to get up earlier and do some exercising.  Then we are going to eat breakfast together as a family before John leaves for work.  I am going to get back into the habit of spending some time one on one with Elise in the morning.  I still have plenty of time for misc. things, but this will help me spend more quality time with Elise and also feel like I can get some alone time before she wakes up in the morning.  But I think this scheduling is also making me sadder as it brings more memories of what I would be doing were Emma still here.

Joy and sadness.

How they coexist.

One moment I am sad,

the next moment brings laughter.

I suddenly wonder what it would be like to hear you laugh.

Now I am sad again.

What I wouldn’t give to see you smile,

what I wouldn’t give to feel you in my arms.

In a moment, in a moment.

In a moment I will smile again.

But for this moment let me cry.

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3 thoughts on “Waves.

  1. Miriam,

    Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing your feelings and emotions right now. It helps us know more how we can pray for you and support you right now. You are always on my mind and in my prayers.

    Laura

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  2. I am praying for you and John everyday, many times a day.

    And I’m glad you are getting some exercise and eating breakfast together. That’s something I should do myself! I’ve heard from others that counseling or help groups are hard to go to, but they can help. One day at a time…God give you strength and peace.

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