I have determined that for now grief comes in waves. Every week, in fact every day, is different. Some days I am emotional and very close to tears, the next day I am very much in control and can’t even cry that much even if I want to. Saturday was an emotional day and I felt like my times of grieving kept getting interrupted, so I asked for some time alone on Sunday. I took a walk all the way to the cemetery and back. I was out for two hours. I like going there, though I know Emma isn’t actually there it is a good place to put my thoughts together. Surprisingly enough, I cried very little Sunday. Now today, Monday, I have already dissolved into tears over little things. I don’t really mind either type of day. It is perhaps good that I have breaks from the emotional ones, but I am still glad I have them as they let me release and realize my sadness. Today it is the little things that are bringing memories of Emma. I see a date sometime before her death and I remember how much hope I had and the plans we had. I bring Elise something to do and realize that before I would have brought her that while I fed Emma.
Today I am trying to get back into somewhat of a schedule, both for me and for Elise. I am going to try to get up earlier and do some exercising. Then we are going to eat breakfast together as a family before John leaves for work. I am going to get back into the habit of spending some time one on one with Elise in the morning. I still have plenty of time for misc. things, but this will help me spend more quality time with Elise and also feel like I can get some alone time before she wakes up in the morning. But I think this scheduling is also making me sadder as it brings more memories of what I would be doing were Emma still here.
Joy and sadness.
How they coexist.
One moment I am sad,
the next moment brings laughter.
I suddenly wonder what it would be like to hear you laugh.
Now I am sad again.
What I wouldn’t give to see you smile,
what I wouldn’t give to feel you in my arms.
In a moment, in a moment.
In a moment I will smile again.
But for this moment let me cry.