Overwhelmed.

I haven’t posted in awhile, because it is hard for me to know right now what to post.  I am overwhelmed right now by a lot of conflicting emotions and haven’t even felt the strength many days to process things.  For those of you that saw me on Sunday, I am sorry that I was not very talkative.  I cried quite a bit of the communion service, especially during the following song and so after the service was left very close to tears.  Your comfort and encouragement were appreciated nonetheless.  Thank you for making me feel comfortable enough to cry in your presence.
My Jesus I love Thee

My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine;
For Thee all the follies of sin I resign.
My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art Thou;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

I love Thee because Thou has first loved me,
And purchased my pardon on Calvary’s tree.
I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

I’ll love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death,
And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath;
And say when the death dew lies cold on my brow,
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

In mansions of glory and endless delight,
I’ll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright;
I’ll sing with the glittering crown on my brow;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

Anytime a song mentions the word “breath” it immediately makes me think of Emma, and then as my mind was drawn to thoughts of her during the last two verses I could not help but picture her.  I hope that I as Emma did can praise God as long as He lendest me breath.  I will write a couple things that touched me during my reading last week.
“When placed in the light of our awesome God, our lives find new perspective:  Anxiety is replaced by hope when we see that nothing could ever be bigger than God.  Fear looses its strength when we recognize that God’s power and love are infinitely greater than our weakness and failure.  Peace floods our lives when we remember that all our needs are safely encompassed by God’s brilliant sufficiency.”  -Alicia Britt Chole in Pure Joy (a book given to me by the paster and his wife during my struggle with postpartum depression.  I didn’t pick it up to read until after Emma’s death and then found that it had a lot to say to me during this time.)

“Trusting God when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when there is only darkness–this is the kind of faith God values perhaps most of all.  This is the kind of faith that can be developed and displayed only in the midst of difficult circumstances.  This is the kind of faith that can not be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken.” -Nancy Guthrie in Holding on to Hope.

And let me just add that this kind of faith is a gift of God.  If I display it, as I hope I do, it is because God has filled me with it.  It is the kind of faith that sees the light in the darkness, the joy in despair, and the hope in dejection.  May this suffering produce in me that kind of faith that does all this, but also the relationship to survive in closeness to God when things are not rocky, but smooth and somewhat “boring.”

One thought on “Overwhelmed.

  1. Miriam,

    I don’t know what to say either, but I just wanted to let you know we’re still here…praying for you and John and Elise. Please, please call me if I can do anything for you.

    Kathryn

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