OK, I have been putting off posting because I guess I am not wanting to write what I am feeling. But, I know that you all are faithful to pray and if I want prayers for what I am going through than I must tell you how I am doing. Lately the feelings of sadness have been coming back and also now they are accompanied by feelings of guilt. Just the feelings that if I had done something differently that night then maybe Emma would still be here. I am thinking that it may take some time to work through these feelings, so I would appreciate some prayer. On the plus side, I am crying a lot more again, which I think is good in some ways.
As an update on other things, I had an answer to prayer in my house cleaning as a friend came and helped me. The house looked fantastic and the several of the realtors commented on how cute it was. I haven’t heard from my realtor yet as she may tell me any of the negative things that they had to say, so we will see about that.
Another very good thing that is happening is my relationship to Elise seems to be returning strong. I finished her photo album last night and with the finishing of that, it seemed like the seeds of love that she has planted in my heart have started to sprout again. I realized something very neat last night. When Elise was born I slowly learned to connect and love her, it was not a real sudden thing for me. I realize now that was a gift of God, as when I thought I had lost so much of my relationship through this time with Emma, it was there all along, just quietly biding its time. Now it is returning slowly, at the pace I need it. On the other hand, I connected with Emma almost instantly shortly after her birth. My love for her became strong and passionate very quickly. That also was a gift of God as it allowed me to experience a lifetime of love in just 7 months. Amazing how God works, huh?
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