I am excited about Easter coming. I am actually surprised that I can write that as I am also anticipating a very hard time that day. I was planning (whether a realistic expectation or not I am not sure) that Emma would be joining us in church Easter Sunday. Even if I had to order little masks for her to wear I was pretty sure I could make it work. She was going to have a little dress out of the same fabric as Elise’s Easter skirt. (By the way if you notice Elise’s skirt, I made it for her because she loves one of my peasant skirts and always asks me to dance when I am wearing it. So I decided to make her a “dancing skirt” too.) Anyway, if I allow myself to think of Emma that day, I will definitely be feeling the emptiness in my arms. I was so excited about all of our church family getting to see her again.
I was wondering if I should allow myself to think of Emma that day, and realized that I want to really experience the day in all of its tears and joy. The meaning of Easter seems so much more real to me this year. When I think of Christ dying on the cross I know that it was for Emma that He died. Emma has a cross on her grave right now and I told Elise what the meaning of it was. Her reply was “This is the best cross, ever.” Though her remark was meant for the attractive cross that tops Emma’s grave, I can look at Jesus’ cross and say the same thing. “This is the best cross ever.” Doesn’t it seem strange that we can say that for something that caused so much pain. Yes, suffering for the sake of suffering yields nothing but pain. But suffering for the sake of something better, for life, yields hope and joy immeasurable. I can understand this just a bit better this year.
This is something very small, but for me it has enough importance to warrant prayer. I ordered a memory bracelet for Emma for me to wear. I have planned on wearing it for Easter, especially as we are getting family pictures that day and wanted something in the pictures to represent Emma. So I am hoping and praying that it will arrive in the mail in time. It may be hard to tell from reading the posts, but I have seen so many answered prayers from things I write down here, even things that seem so little.