I dreamed of Emma last night for the first time in awhile. For the first few days after her death I dreamed of her every night. So needless to say, I was a very sad this morning. In my dream she was not in heaven, rather I had seemingly deserted her to someone else to take care of. When I walked into this “nursery,” and finally held her in my arms she gave me the most beautiful smile, as if to say, “I know you.” Then she frowned at me as if to say, “How could you leave me here so long?” But her frown only lasted a few moments and her face broke into a smile again. All I could do was hug her and cry and tell her I was sorry. I know that it has nothing to do with the facts of where Emma is, but it left me incredibly sad and feeling so empty. When I cried out my heart to God this morning I was sad because I wanted her back, and because I was worried that I would never get to hold her as a baby again even in heaven. A few nights ago I had gone and sat on my rocking chair in my now very empty nursery and hugged close the blanket Emma sometimes laid on. It was the last thing to touch her that I have and I just held it and cried. But in a way I can’t even fully describe, God let me hold her. It was as if I could feel the weight of her in that blanket and God’s arms around me holding us both. For those few moments I held her close and cried and savored the feeling. I don’t know if I will ever feel that again, but it was a precious gift from Him. I want her back so much right now. To see her smile, to touch her face, to hold her close. The rest of the dream turned into a jumble as dreams often do, but another thing stuck out to me. She wasn’t wearing her oxygen; the lady who took care of her had taken it off. I put it back on and gave her a lecture on how she has to always wear her oxygen. 🙂 It was through that and as I carried Emma with me on my way that I really felt that I had the knowledge that she would die. It’s kind of strange as it was more a concept in the dream rather than anything concrete. I’m not even sure what I am trying to say. This dream made me very sad; I feel very empty. It made me think of how Emma would be taken care of if she were still alive and I knew she would die. Could I stay with her all the time? Would I choose to stay with Elise instead? It made me think of how hard I would have fought for more attention to her episodes if I knew they could kill her. It is making me think of the feelings and emotions that will be involved if God indeed answers Elise’s request and grants her three siblings. Will I have to go through this fear again? Will it be greater because I now know more fully the danger involved? Can I give up another child without dying myself? I cry out to God and say please, God, no, yet at the same time I ache for the opportunity to fight that fight. To be able to make things happen. Even if it wasn’t directly for Emma it would feel that I was doing it for her. But then how would Elise survive another time like that? I have peace that God does know our future and knows how to prepare me for it just as he did for Emma. I am willing now to trust him with it, I just hope that when the time comes I will be able to trust him with grace, just as I did with Emma. May that be part of her legacy, the trust I have, passed on to my children, and to theirs, until the end of time.