It has been hard for me to post lately. I have not felt very strong or very insightful. In fact I have been feeling attacked by the evil one with doubts and confusion. But I realized that it would be meaningful to you all for me to be honest with you, even when I am feeling very low. Yesterday was 3 months since Emma died. The last poem I wrote really says very clearly what I am feeling concerning her. I miss her tremendously and would much rather be sitting here writing a post about her health updates than my greiving. For the first time I am almost counting down days for the next M.E.N.D. (mothers enduring neonatal loss) meeting. Part of me just wants to talk; while part of me doesn’t know if I can because of the tears that are so close to the surface. Though my feelings of loss are really much the same as they have been for the past 3 months, I am definitely more emotional right now.
I think there are two reasons why I am struggling more now. One is that it is normal for grief to be hard several months out and I know that. The other is that I have not been spending much time in the word. The Lord has been gracious through this “mountaintop” experience to be right by my side. But now, even though he is still there, he is being more silent I think, waiting for me to come to him. The lack of relationship time with him is affecting my mothering as well as I have been very impatient and short with Elise lately. When my attitude is right, hers often is as well. So, if you want something specific to pray for that would be it. That I will be filled with the desire and motivation to spend time with God. When I take the time to listen to him he never fails to speak to me, as the poem entitled “Be still” shows. That poem is God’s message to me right now. I hope it touches your heart as well.