Hopes and dreams.

Elise is still desperately hoping for another baby, but she is also remembering Emma more lately as well.  She actually picks out for one of her nap time books the one about heaven.  I was half asleep beside her the other day, but heard her “reading” aloud.  We were at a friend’s house today and she was talking about their baby on the way home.  She asked me, “Is their baby going to go to heaven?”  I tried to explain to her that most people don’t go to heaven until they are very old, but only God really knows when for each person.  We had been watching Finding Nemo, in which the mother fish dies in the first few minutes.  She started questioning me if I was going to die.  I wasn’t sure what to tell her.  I think it is best to be truthful in these instances and don’t make promises I don’t know if I can keep, so I just told her that I didn’t think so, and again told her that most people go to heaven when they are very old.  “Are you very old, Mommy,” she asked.

Since the appointment in Little Rock I have been having more memories of Emma myself.  Very real memories come back to me and I have even began to dream of Emma again.  In one dream she was older and could pull herself up and reach for things, and she was terribly cute.  In another dream we were on vacation somewhere and she was with us.  I was carrying her around with oxygen and mask to keep her from getting sick.  In that dream I eventually realized it was a dream and hugged her close and just told her how much I wanted her back.  It is nice that in both dreams the feeling of her in my arms was very real.  Oh, how I do want her back.  This latest saying good-bye to her just reminds me how much I am saying good-bye to.  It is interesting to wonder if I will always feel that there is someone missing in our family.  Since I have been able to more completely separate any other children in our future from Emma, I now miss her more.

3 thoughts on “Hopes and dreams.

  1. Miriam,

    I am in the middle of remembering my Dad right now. He was injured on June 18th and died on July 4th. Every day of these 2 1/2 weeks involves a lot of remembering. It has been nine years and I know that I will always miss him. There is someone most definitely missing in my family. I know also, that there always will be, if I can feel that this “wound” is still so tender 9 years later.

    I also know that remembering and missing are not bad things. My father was a wonderful blessing and gift to me as I grew up and his passing also taught me things that I would never have otherwise learned. I am certain after 9 years, that I don’t want to forget. Feeling the “wound” is worth it, as long as I remember all the things
    that he added to my life.

    Hallye was about Elise’s age when my Dad died and I remember having to answer those same questions. You are doing the right thing about being honest and not promising things we cannot keep. I also found ways to assure Hallye that if something were to happen to me, she could know that it was God’s will.
    I pointed out to her that I was doing all that I could to stay with her. I would point out that I exercise every day. I would point out eating our vegetables to stay healthy. When we got in the car, I would remind her that we wear our seat belts, not just because it is the law, but because we want to do everything we can do to stay healthy. Things like that became a reassurance for her.

    I love you and am continuing to pray for your family.


  2. I agree with Diane…I too long for the baby I never got to see or hold, even now. “She” is part of me and my family and it is my belief that I will one day see her. In one instance, it seems almost like a haunting, but I wouldn’t give up the dreams…they are very real. And they help me remember she was very real and I could never forget being pregnant with her.

    I think you’re doing the right thing telling Elise the truth, too. I’m sorry she is dealing with those questions at such an early age, but at least she sounds like she is expressing it well for her age.

    With many prayers,


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