Elise is still desperately hoping for another baby, but she is also remembering Emma more lately as well. She actually picks out for one of her nap time books the one about heaven. I was half asleep beside her the other day, but heard her “reading” aloud. We were at a friend’s house today and she was talking about their baby on the way home. She asked me, “Is their baby going to go to heaven?” I tried to explain to her that most people don’t go to heaven until they are very old, but only God really knows when for each person. We had been watching Finding Nemo, in which the mother fish dies in the first few minutes. She started questioning me if I was going to die. I wasn’t sure what to tell her. I think it is best to be truthful in these instances and don’t make promises I don’t know if I can keep, so I just told her that I didn’t think so, and again told her that most people go to heaven when they are very old. “Are you very old, Mommy,” she asked.
Since the appointment in Little Rock I have been having more memories of Emma myself. Very real memories come back to me and I have even began to dream of Emma again. In one dream she was older and could pull herself up and reach for things, and she was terribly cute. In another dream we were on vacation somewhere and she was with us. I was carrying her around with oxygen and mask to keep her from getting sick. In that dream I eventually realized it was a dream and hugged her close and just told her how much I wanted her back. It is nice that in both dreams the feeling of her in my arms was very real. Oh, how I do want her back. This latest saying good-bye to her just reminds me how much I am saying good-bye to. It is interesting to wonder if I will always feel that there is someone missing in our family. Since I have been able to more completely separate any other children in our future from Emma, I now miss her more.