As I go through my days lately, my usual excitement with life is slightly dampered with a feeling of melancholy. Emma sits heavy on my heart and mind. Not that I’m not enjoying the holiday and the time off we’ve had with John, I just can’t seem to totally not think of her. I think that part of it is the anticiaption of Emma’s birthday coming up. A year ago today, we enjoyed the 4th of July with family and friends as I counted down the days to my due date. I was very much pregnant, as I was due on the 8th. Emma made her appearance on the 14th.
We went to the jewelry store yesterday and ordered a special ring for her. I told John that was what I wanted for our anniversary this year (6 years on the 15th!). I plan on wearing it all the time so that I can feel that I have something representing her with me at all times. Unfortunately I was hoping to have it by her birthday, but it takes at least 4 weeks to come, so unless God speeds it along, it won’t be here in time. That’s OK, though.
I was sobbing last night as I read a book to myself: Mommy, Please Don’t Cry. It is a book about our children in heaven and always brings tears to my eyes at the very least. This time, I sobbed. I prayed and poured out my broken heart to God. I just miss her so much. I’m happy for her in heaven, but my arms so long to hold her. God gave me a picture of comfort. I just imagined Emma and the Father having their own little private conversations while they planned for all of our homecomings. It was as if he said to me: “Miriam, beloved, the time of your coming is set in my book. Emma and I have it all planned, and she is so excited.” I can just imagine her excitement as she plans such a homecoming for me. Perhaps she is learning a dance to dance with Elise and the angels for when Elise comes.
I’ve been having a lot of conversations with Elise lately about heaven and death. Sometimes she is in a hurry to get to heaven. I finally told her that though it is up to Jesus, I hope that she doesn’t go for a long time. “I would be really sad,” I told her, “if both my little girls were in heaven. I would miss you so much.” I am glad that she thinks it is such a wonderful place. She definitely looks forward to that day. I think what she doesn’t understand is that we may not all go together, which is what I was trying to explain to her. Oh, well. Her excitement is good and I am glad that she loves her sister so much, and trusts God so much.