July 4, 2006.

As I go through my days lately, my usual excitement with life is slightly dampered with a feeling of melancholy.  Emma sits heavy on my heart and mind.  Not that I’m not enjoying the holiday and the time off we’ve had with John, I just can’t seem to totally not think of her.  I think that part of it is the anticiaption of Emma’s birthday coming up.  A year ago today, we enjoyed the 4th of July with family and friends as I counted down the days to my due date.  I was very much pregnant, as I was due on the 8th.  Emma made her appearance on the 14th.

We went to the jewelry store yesterday and ordered a special ring for her.  I told John that was what I wanted for our anniversary this year (6 years on the 15th!).  I plan on wearing it all the time so that I can feel that I have something representing her with me at all times.  Unfortunately I was hoping to have it by her birthday, but it takes at least 4 weeks to come, so unless God speeds it along, it won’t be here in time.  That’s OK, though.

I was sobbing last night as I read a book to myself: Mommy, Please Don’t Cry.  It is a book about our children in heaven and always brings tears to my eyes at the very least.  This time, I sobbed.  I prayed and poured out my broken heart to God.  I just miss her so much.  I’m happy for her in heaven, but my arms so long to hold her.  God gave me a picture of comfort.  I just imagined Emma and the Father having their own little private conversations while they planned for all of our homecomings.  It was as if he said to me:  “Miriam, beloved, the time of your coming is set in my book.  Emma and I have it all planned, and she is so excited.”  I can just imagine her excitement as she plans such a homecoming for me.  Perhaps she is learning a dance to dance with Elise and the angels for when Elise comes.

I’ve been having a lot of conversations with Elise lately about heaven and death.  Sometimes she is in a hurry to get to heaven.  I finally told her that though it is up to Jesus, I hope that she doesn’t go for a long time.  “I would be really sad,” I told her, “if both my little girls were in heaven.  I would miss you so much.”  I am glad that she thinks it is such a wonderful place.  She definitely looks forward to that day.  I think what she doesn’t understand is that we may not all go together, which is what I was trying to explain to her.  Oh, well.  Her excitement is good and I am glad that she loves her sister so much, and trusts God so much.

2 thoughts on “July 4, 2006.

  1. Dear Miriam,

    You won’t ever stop “totally” thinking of her…because you love her so much. That may not help to hear that right now, but to stop thinking of her would be to forget her…and you won’t ever do that. I just don’t want you to beat yourself up for thinking of her.

    As years go by, it will be a little less…but you’ll always remember her birthday and the day she went to be with Jesus, and many other special memories. I think it’s a neat idea about the ring. I would have wanted the same thing, I think, if I was you. Thank God you have such a wonderful husband 🙂 I’ll be praying for you in the next few weeks…and thinking of Emma 🙂



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