It is because of the physical benefits of walking that I got out of bed and went on a walk to start off my week on Monday morning. It is part of my new schedule. But what I soon realized was that I had forgotten a huge aspect of the benefits of walking–the spiritual ones. As I began to let the sounds, smells, and feel of the outdoors surround me, I began to feel the desire to worship, to talk with and listen to God. I walked down to a place that has one very clear memory to me.
In July, during my “week of darkness” following Emma’s birth, John dragged me out of the house and down to the park. I say “dragged” because I didn’t want to leave the comfort of the couch, but wanted rather to wallow in the depression I was dealing with. We sat at a bench, Emma in the shade in her carseat, John eating a fast food lunch, and me nibbling on a few french fries and sipping at a milkshake. Eating was a real issue for me. After a time, I felt the call of God that I can usually hear through his creation when I listen. Despite the heat and my still sore body, I told John I wanted to go for a short walk by myself. I walked down to where the trees shade the walkway and the small bridge crosses the creek. As I walked I poured my heart out to God–my worries, my fears, my depression, my desires, everything. I don’t know that that day marked any significant change in my depression, but I did hear the Lord that day. Though I felt like I was slipping and that if I let go I would just fall, it was as if he said, “It’s OK, you don’t have to hold on so hard. I am holding you, I will not let you fall.” And he didn’t.
And so Monday, as I retraced those same steps I again poured out my heart to God. My fears, my doubts, my desires, my guilt. What I am dealing with now is so much different than what I dealt with then, but his message is the same. He will continue to hold onto me. Did I get all my answers today? Will this day mark a complete change from the confusion and doubts I’m dealing with to a complete faith in our Supreme Father? No, it didn’t, I can tell you that already. In fact I came back more confused then when I left. But I did meet God. I intend to meet him in the same place tomorrow. Pray that as I search for him, I will find him, as I know he has promised.