Looking back, looking ahead.

As I stand here on the threshold of what I see as 5 months worth of Emma memories, I am a little nervous. You see, even though Emma’s birthday was in July, it is now that we are hitting the “significant dates.” Most of Emma’s first two months are a blur of feeding difficulties and confusion. I have memories from that time, but not specific to dates. Yesterday marked the day that Emma received the unofficial diagnosis (from Helen :)) of VSD. This Thursday (September 14) was our first trip down to Little Rock. From here on out all I can see are a long line of dates relating to one health issue or another, and a few more special days as well, such as the day Emma first laughed. But I hesitated before starting on this path–one that has to be walked–of memories. Most of that nervousness I think has to do with the one big date that stands out in my head-Feb. 22. I don’t really want to live that day again. Part of me sort of wishes that day were just wiped from the calendar, while another part of me wants to celebrate the day that Emma was born into heaven. It’s a birthday for her, the one that holds the most meaning now. So, as we step out on this path, please walk with us in prayer and thoughts. We will need the support, we will need people to cry with, we will need people to laugh with. Yesterday, many tears were shed at what I lost. Today, I will admit I made a conscious choice to not dwell on Emma, because I didn’t want to feel the pain today. I think the next 5 months are going to be a lot of that, back and forth. And then . . . I think what is next? Is that it? I know it isn’t, but what will change when we pass that date, the end? It won’t be the end, I know. There will be next year and the next. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of joy in our memories, even in the tears. John and I are so confident of the blessings that were poured out on us through Emma’s life and death. Both of us are sure of God’s love and of the love of His family. So, as I look ahead and plan on looking back, I hope to find the blessings there alongside the emptiness. And as I do, I will share it with you.