Hello again. John, Will, and I got home a little after 7:00 last night. Will has his nights and days completely confused, so I am running on very little sleep. Unfortunately, because the doctor couldn’t come until the evening to discharge us, I did not get my anti-depressants until this morning. I think I was so focused on getting on them as soon as possible, that I began to worry about depression last night. I did OK last night until the sun rose and I realized that finally Will was occupied and I now no longer felt like sleeping. There is nothing worse than knowing the best thing for you is to sleep and totally not having the desire. And of course laying there trying to sleep never works. I got up and took a shower all the while sobbing my heart out for no apparent reason. John went to Wal-Mart and came back as soon as possible with my anti-depressants, and I took my first one right away. I then ate a huge breakfast and fell asleep for about 30 minutes. When I awoke, I was assailed with what I can only describe as anxiety. I am so nervous, both in thoughts, and in physical symptoms. I can not quit moving some part of my body at all times, I have nausea and a burning sensation through my chest. I was shaking uncontrollably as well. All of this can be related to the post-partum depression or as side effects to the medication. Unfortunately, I do remember having these symptoms worse for the first couple of days of being on the anti-depressant, so it could be because I took the pill. Tomorrow, I may try to take half in the morning and half at night to try to reduce how hard it hits me if it is indeed in response to the medication filling my system.
Here is my request. Please, please pray for me. I have tried to be honest in how I am feeling, but have no idea if you can tell from my explanation that this is one of the most helpless and horrible things I ever experience. I’ve experienced it all before, and in some ways that is making it harder to cope with. For my first time I was not as bad, and I had the hope that it would go away any day. For my second I lived for awhile on the hope that I would be lucky enough not to experience it. This time I have no hope but that the medicine will work quickly. God is speaking continuously to me, but I am finding I am dealing with this in the same way I dealt with Will’s labor, by fighting. I am afraid to even attempt sleeping even though I know that is what I need most of all, but with my stomach all tied up with knots I know I will just lay there building up more anxiety. I almost feel as if God is asking me to let go, to lean on him and he will carry me through, but all I want to do is fight. I honestly feel like physically running or boxing. Unfortunately, I also feel like I could very easily pass out, so neither of those is a possibility.
So, a few specific requests for prayer:
-That I can find some way to cope with this very physical form of depression.
-That by some miracle I will get some sleep.
-That the medication will take effect very quickly and work as effectively as it has in the past.
-That I can again look at my son with fondness and desire to do what needs to be done to take care of him.
As to practical things you can do, if you don’t mind sitting with someone who may go from tears to physical forms of anxiety and may say some really irrational things, I’m sure my husband could use some breaks. This is especially true if you have gone through this before, as I know you will be able to relate. I would really appreciate prayer from a distance and prayer prayed over me and with me if you feel up to it.
Elise did see me in tears this morning and kept asking why I was sad. She assumed it was becuase of Emma. Thankfully I had taken the time to sit down with her last week and explain to her that having babies makes mommy cry, but that nothing will be wrong. I did say that she might have to spend some time at other people’s houses because I would have a hard time being a good mommy for awhile. She seemed to accept that fine. So this morning all I had to do was remind her of our previous conversation and she responded with, “But I don’t have to go to Nana’s house,” reassuring me that she feels like I am a fine mommy despite this. She did of course than eagerly leave for Grandma’s house later, but she was actually a comfort to me this morning.