Well, I was disappointed today that I seemed to have a worse day than yesterday. It wasn’t a terrible day, it was just that my nervousness was around most of the day. I think hopefully I am hitting some sort of hump that I need to get over and thankfully the medicine is keeping it in the manageability level. It was also not relaxing being at the clinic, especially when we were sent to the lab. It was just too close to some of the memories of Emma’s first week of life. Just recently the nervousness has begun to subside so I am enjoying my “afternoon break,” as I am beginning to see these times of normalcy. I did sleep really well last night, deep enough that it took some work to crawl out of bed to feed Will. I also got some semblance of a nap after lunch. Elise came home about 3:00, and though I was worried how I would handle an extra kid, she has actually been a help as she brings things closer to being “normal” around here. She also eagerly helps me run go get things for Will. We gave him a sponge bath as well, and she enjoyed washing his hair with me. We also got her first impression as to Will’s “body.” (Body is a term Elise uses for bottom.) When I removed his diaper to wash him, she laughed and said, “he has a funny body.” “That is what little boys look like,” I told her. “He is different than you isn’t he?” “Yep,” she said, and that was it.
An interesting thing did happen last night. I woke at 5:30 (unfortunately right in the middle of Will’s longest sleeping stretch) because of a terrible dream I had about him. He had stopped breathing. Thinking back on the dream as I lay in bed, I realized that I had actually not called his name though, it had been Emma’s name instead. I was also not feeling the anxiety levels then either, meaning that this dream was not pulled out of some hormone induced anxiety, but rather out of my past. It shows perhaps a fear that I am harboring in my soul. I did get out of bed and check Will to reassure myself that it was just a dream. I had a hard time going back to sleep after that though. But as I lay there praying and thinking, I realized something very important. During our name choosing, I had been working so hard to choose a name that meant something special because Emma’s name had such an important meaning. Of course, it was just girl’s names I was looking at, as we’ve had our boy’s name picked out for years. Yesterday, I was reminded by Nana (John’s mom) that William means “strong protector.” This morning as I reflected on my fears and memories, I realized that God had picked out the perfect name for our son years before we needed it. Instead of thinking of Will as a protector (though I hope he is), it is a reminder to me that God is our protector. Hopefully this will be a constant reminder to me to trust God and leave Will in his capable hands. Thankfully, God has been gracious to not allow the anxiety from this depression to settle on worries about Will. Otherwise it would be harder for me to rationally deal with it.