In the middle.

Do you ever feel in the middle?  Do you ever feel that you don’t completely fit in either of two normal places?  I do all the time.  Because I don’t fit any more.

I look at those of my friends who have 3 children and I think, “That should be me.  I have 3 kids.  But you can’t see them, and for all practical considerations I only have two.”
Then I look at my friends who have 2 children and I realize I don’t quite fit there either.  Sure to everyone who doesn’t know my story it appears that I have only two kids.  Ironically, when I am out with Will everyone assumes I only have one kid.  I guess I look too young to have had 3 children, so that’s not a bad thing.  But sometimes my heart aches to yell out to curious strangers, “I have three children!”  I always say I have three children, but unless they start asking questions to figure out which one’s missing, I usually leave it at that.
Suffice it to say that my family is incomplete.  There is always a peice of us missing, and that peice carries with her a huge part of my heart.  I am whole in Christ, and I am learning that through him I find my completeness.  Sure I don’t fit the mold, but who truly does?  And if being in the middle means I am drawn closer to heaven, how can that be a bad thing?  It’s not.  I embrace the uniqueness of our family, but that doesn’t mean I don’t often wish I were carting around a third child.  The middle child.  The one who I miss almost every day.  My heart aches for her right now.

When my arms are filled with Will, I am thankful, but I am also sad.  Two years ago my arms were filled with another child.  Sometimes I wish it were her I were holding.  Don’t misunderstand me, I would never trade Will for Emma, but I would gladly share him with Emma.  He’ll never know her.  Not until heaven that is.  The way he watches Elise with so much interest reminds me of how Emma used to watch Elise.  Wouldn’t it be nice if he could share that same connection with Emma that he has with Elise?  Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all walk together to heaven?

I know I am not the only one in the middle.  All of us probably find someplace where we look at others and realize we are different.  And I know there are many other moms who find themselves counting a child who is missing.  Some of them are missing more than one.  And so to all of you who are different, may the Lord meet you in the middle.

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