I think it safe to say that I do not really enjoy life as a single mom. But I am learning some things about myself while John is gone, and though some of them are not pleasant revelations, they will turn out for the good I think. I would like to share some of what God is teaching me right now, but first a quick update on how things are here at the Lein household.
We’ve been busy, especially this weekend. Wednesday we spent all afternoon shopping with friends. Thursday I was at the store in the morning while the kids played at “Isabella’s house,” or that is how Elise would say it. Thursday afternoon I had a lot of orders to get in the mail from the website, so I was busy all afternoon doing that. That evening Tia and Tio (Bekah and Herbie) came over and watched a movie with me to keep me company. Friday the store was closed, but I did some misc work until evening when we went to stay at my parents’ house. We spent the night out there and then Saturday I went back in to run the store all day. Saturday is usually our biggest retail day at the store, and it turned out to be a pretty good one. The only issue I ran into was that the checkout system at the store was not working, but thankfully Brad (our amazing programmer) came to the rescue. Saturday night I woke up with a horrendous illness, but it passed quickly thankfully. Today we spent the afternoon at Mom’s after church and then came home right before the storms hit. Now Elise is sleeping next to me in bed because of the lightning. It is quieting down now, so I will have to move her soon. Oh, and Will took his first multiple steps this weekend. Perhaps he will have something to surprise Daddy with when he gets home.
And now, to what I have been learning. It has become quite obvious to me how much I rely on my husband for. There are the technical things – like logging someone else onto our wireless internet or taking charge to get a bug in the website fixed. There are the little things I just never have asked him – like what the password to his computer is (I finally figured out that one) and what are the names of his contacts at work in case they call. There are the emotional ones – like a comforting presence in the evenings and someone to tell my inner struggles to. And there are the practical things – like that extra hand with the children (especially in the area of discipline) or someone to take over for me when I don’t feel well or are at my wit’s end.
I started thinking today about all this and began to wonder if I rely too much on my husband. Especially in the emotional department. I am not very good alone, I get depressed and I get to overthinking everything (which is possibly what I am doing now). 🙂 But is this something that I should be relying on God for? I know that God made family relationships for a reason, and that when he said it is not good for man to be alone, he probably meant woman too. But I also know that he wants to be my all in all, the one that completes me. I also know that even my husband would say that sometimes I am “too submissive.” I don’t like to make decisions on my own and believe it or not often struggle to give an opionion on things when asked because I am not very opinionated. I have been working on this area and found that having to make decisions for the store this week is a good step in the right direction. And so I am finding peace in this in two truths. One, that I do need my husband and am so thankful that God has given me such a wonderful man to partner with, and two, that I do need to be working more on my relationship with God. It is easy sometimes to put other relationships in the place of God, or perhaps even to ignore and hide our flaws behind the strengths of another person.
For example, I am not a very good discipliner. When John and I are parenting as a team, things work fairly well. But, a good portion of the time I am the one doing the parenting as he is not here most of the day. And I am beginning to see the areas in which I am lacking. This was really bothering me this weekend and I found myself before the Lord feeling completely humbled as I saw what a mess I am. I knew that it is only going to be with God’s help that I improve in this area, and that it is only in my pursuing a deeper relationship with him that it will happen. It was not a pleasant place to find myself, but it was where I needed to be. This morning in church I was encouraged through the pastor’s sermon to come boldly before God’s throne and ask his forgiveness. I know I don’t deserve it, but I do know that because of Jesus’ death that forgiveness is already mine. I hope that this experience will encourage me to follow through on my intentions this time around. It is often that I have failed to fit time with God into my busy schedule. But each day is full of decisions and I plan on making a better one in this area tomorrow.