At the beginning of this month, I was not sure how smoothly the month would end. I was feeling homesick, wishing for Emma’s photo album which got left in the States, and wishing I could visit her gravesite.
Last week I had the opportunity to share a testimony at the German/English bilingual Bible Study I attend, and this gave me a chance to process some of these emotions. Even though my testimony ended up being less about Emma, and more about depression and anxiety, I found that working on it was very therapeutic. And this month was full of other blessings which showed me how much God loves me and is so willing to provide for each of my needs, even emotional ones. There are always those who remember Emma’s birthdays and that means a lot to me. What surprised me about this month were how many people here are already willing to connect with me over those memories. I received notes, flowers, and visits from these ladies, and am filled to overflowing with gratefulness. I even have a kindred spirit here, someone whose daughter, also born in 2005, awaits them in heaven just like Emma. What a blessing that God put us together to hold each other up and support each other through our memories.
Below is the testimony I shared at the CBSI Bible Study if you are curious:
My husband and I attended a parenting seminar recently. One topic covered the importance of teaching our children a theology of suffering. As we have seen in our study of Acts, suffering is a normal part of the true Christian life. But we have a promise of comfort and of joy in the midst of our trials. Paul understood this well. In 2 Corinthians he wrote: “Praise be to the God…who comforts us in all our troubles” He continues to share why we are not overwhelmed by trials: “do not lose heart…For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” Our troubles are small when compared with the eternal life that God has given us. Even physical death can be seen as something small to the Christian, because it is just like changing our clothes. We leave behind our earthly body and are clothed in our heavenly one.
I am thankful that my parents taught this theology of suffering to me. There are several things that happened in the lives of my grandparents and parents that could be considered tragic. I grew up hearing all these stories, but they were never told to me as sad stories, but rather as stories of victory. Suffering is a part of life, but because of God, we have victory over it. He protected and provided through all these things, and on top of that he gave us joy.
When I was a little girl the two things I wanted to be were a wife and mother. I got married at age 20 and had my first daughter 3 years later. John used to tease me that at the age of 23 I had achieved my life goals. My life was just how I wanted it to be, and things should have been perfect. But they weren’t. I cried all the time. I was filled with worry. I had a hard time motivating myself to get off the couch. I was dealing with postpartum depression. I ended up on anti-depressants for a couple months. Depression and anxiety plagued me with the following 3 deliveries and off an on between babies as well. Even though I pled with God not to take me through those dark days, he still did. But each time I found him there in the darkness. When I felt like I was spinning out of control, like I couldn’t hold on any longer, it was as if he said to me: “Go ahead and let go. I’ve got you.” I always started anti-depressants fairly quickly after delivery, so things were not bad for long, but the days I spent directly after birth were the hardest thing I ever have had to deal with. And yet, I am still thankful for them, because of what I have learned about God, about myself, and about others.
When Elise was 2 1/2 years old, her sister was born. Whereas Elise had been large and healthy and had developed at an exceptional rate, Emma Anne was small and weak and delayed in her development. She was born on July 14, 2005 and 7 months later on Feb 22, 2006 she was born into heaven. Emma had several heart abnormalities, some brain damage, unique physical issues, and breathing and eating difficulty. Her life was spent in and out of the hospital as the doctors tried to determine the underlying factors and how to treat her. I remember clearly the day I realized that I was the mother to a handicapped child. I fled the hospital room that Emma and I were staying in and found a bench in the hospital garden and sat and cried. I was sorry for Emma and I was sorry for myself. I realized this meant I was committed to caring for her needs through all her childhood and most likely into her adulthood as well. I cried for Emma, what she might not get to experience, and I cried for me, for what I might have to sacrifice in order to care for her. And then I dried my tears. I returned to our little hospital room and I never again spent time feeling sorry for myself or Emma. I found real joy in caring for Emma, and God protected my relationships with John and Elise even though I didn’t get to see them that often. Having a child with extreme physical difficulties can destroy a marriage, but I think it strengthened ours.
And of course losing a child is something that many marriages do not survive, but when Emma died we experienced firsthand the amazing protection of God. Not only did he provide for our financial needs during that time, which were great because of the hospital bills, but he also cared for us emotionally. Instead of falling into a dark depression, which I felt was a real possibility, I felt held up and supported by God, by family and by the church. I grieved, but I was able to grieve openly, to share with others the joy and comfort that God gave me during Emma’s life, after her death, and still does in my memories of her today.
Several years after Emma’s death John and I thought our family was complete. God had blessed us with two little boys, Will and Seth, and we were beginning to explore opportunities in missions. We officially joined TeachBeyond in December of 2011, and in January of 2012 we started support raising. By the fall of that year we felt very stressed with continued support raising and no real idea of when we’d be able to leave for Germany. And then we found out that I was pregnant again. During the first few weeks of that pregnancy I began struggling with fairly extreme anxiety. After a very serious panic attack, with side effects that lasted for almost a day afterwards, John and I realized I needed to get help. I was dealing with what is termed antepartum depression and anxiety. It is just like postpartum, it just happens before the baby is born. Anti-depressants were not a good option for me at that point because of the risks for the baby, so I started once a week counseling and taking natural supplements. Thankfully things improved, especially once I got past the first trimester. But I was worried about how hard it would be to transition to a new culture and country with my emotional instability, and I was worried about dealing with postpartum depression away from my friends and family. God’s gift to me this year has been to provide a new support system, and to grant me an incredibly smooth transition to life in Germany and an almost entirely anxiety-free postpartum period. It means a lot to me that not only did God prove that he had the power to overcome, just as I always believed he had, but that he loves me so much that he chose to overcome. And of course, there’s Dietrich, my special German blessing.