Voices in my head.

The last two days I’ve been angry. Angry about a lot of things actually. My therapist has reminded me that anger is not wrong. Anger is a signal pointing out to us something important. I struggle to admit when I am angry because it doesn’t fit into the persona that I like to cultivate about who I am. I’m not an angry person. Therefore I am not angry. I’m frustrated, or a little emotional, or . . . No. I am angry.

After naming the anger, I am working on identifying what it is pointing to. Why am I angry? One of the most important things I learned from Dr. Bailey’s book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline is that we are rarely, if ever, angry for the reason we think we are. “You are making me angry,” is said so often, but never, ever true. Anger is our stuff, it stems from our internalized messages or wounds that we have or insecurities or fear. If I am angry at you, it is never your fault. I might need to address something hurtful you said or did, but you didn’t make me angry. I got angry because I have an issue that I am working on.

So, why am I angry? I’m working on that. Some of the anger I can tell you where it comes from, some of it, I am not sure. I have a feeling that deep inside I know, but I’m hiding it even from myself because I’m ashamed of it. So, I’ll keep digging.

But even after recognizing the anger and identifying where it comes from, it is important to know what to do with it. Do we let it go? Do we speak up? Do we confront? Do we forgive? Anger is powerful. But that power does not have to be destructive. It can be constructive. So, for now, I wrote a poem. I took my anger and tried to give it a voice. There are wounds here, but also hope, hope that I can rise above those wounds and choose the non-violent path of peace and love.

 

I don’t need your voices in my head.

Don’t you know they already echo in the dark recesses of my soul?

Your expectations.

Who you think I’m supposed to be.

Don’t you realize that I step out of the box in order to dismantle it?

You tell me God loves me, but what I really want to know is, do you?

Even more importantly, do I?

Do I love myself?

Do I love you?

Can I experience the love of God without saying the name of God?

Can I be the love of God without your permission or approval?

Can I create a space in this world that is truly mine. 

Can I be who I am created to be, or do I have to be what I am told to be?

Your picture is not the only picture.

Your path is not the only path.

I wish to be free.

I wish to put on wings and fly beyond the words.

Maybe up there, above everything, it will all be clear. 

Maybe up there, I will see the energy and the spaces and the connections. 

Maybe up there I will see my space and know how to fill it well.

And I will see you and how you are connected to me.

I don’t need your voices in my head.

But maybe, if I truly saw you, touched you, felt you.

Who you are. 

I would understand your place and how it connects to mine.

And I would love you.

And there, and only there, in that love, do I want to find the face of God.

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