I know I’ve been awfully silent for awhile over here. There’s just so much to share, so much to write, that it is hard to start. And for quite some time it has felt like I couldn’t share much of what I was feeling because we were so unsure of what we were doing. It would take too long to go back to the beginning and share the process we went through this year. It was long and at times hard. And it still isn’t over. Our hearts have grown, our visions have grown and our options for service have grown. But instead of making it easier to choose the path ahead, it in many ways has made it harder. As we pick our way through the many paths that seem open to us right now, we have decided to return back to Arkansas to continue to evaluate what we’ve learned and where we want to head from here. It’s exciting, but also overwhelming. And for John, who has had to struggle through a position that was not what he expected it to be, it has been frustrating. But we are both expectant at what our future holds.

So as we return to our “home,” we do so with excitement. We don’t know how long we’ll be there, but we look forward to reconnecting for as long as we have. There are so many things we love about Arkansas. For one thing, it is full of family and friends. People we love and who have been such a support for us in so many ways. People who have lived through much of our lives with us, know us, and can hopefully help guide us on the path ahead. Then there is the culture and language we know and are comfortable in. I’m going to enjoy being able to walk into a store and know how to ask for help (or maybe not even need to ask for help because I know where to find everything I need). I’m going to love knowing what is expected of me in the culture, and no matter how much I complain about how over-individualistic the US is, I must admit I’m going to enjoy living in the knowledge that I can choose to live counter-culturally and it is totally ok. I am looking forward excitedly to homeschooling my three big kids this next year.

But I also will miss many things about here. We lived here for a year and a half, and this has become home to us. Part of our heart will remain here, and we will mourn for what we are losing. We will miss the spectacular views of mountains and hills and green fields (that are green year round). We will miss having the option to walk for almost all our daily tasks instead of drive. We will miss public transportation for those times we don’t really want to mess with driving somewhere. I will miss the German language. Even though I didn’t do well at learning it, I will miss having a reason to learn it, as I did start to fall in love with it. I will miss simple things like windows that open like doors, cars that fit lots of people AND have good gas mileage, ice cream shops on every street corner, and cheap raw milk. But most of all, I’ll miss the people. The community here that pours themselves into each other no matter how many good-byes they have to say or how short of a time they have. These people have won my heart and I admire their ability to continue to live life together despite the good-byes. Because of that ability, I can say that I have friends here, friendships that I hope I won’t lose even though we will be separated by many miles.

So, I write this blog for both of my “homes.” I hope that those on this side of the ocean can read this and see how much I love them and this place. How much I will miss it once we are gone. And I write this blog with the hope that those I am returning to will know and understand why we may mourn in the midst of our excitement to see them again. My hope is that there will be lots of grace on both sides. That we can laugh and share and cry and dream together without judgement and comparison.

This post was written before Christmas on the day we set up and decorated the tree. But I was waiting for the pictures to add and then waiting for a missing camera to show up and then waiting just became the thing to do. Anyway, better late than never.

Every year John and I find ourselves in a dilemma. I think we both like the experience of having a beautifully lit and decorated tree to put our Christmas presents under, but neither of us particularly likes finding the tree, shelling out the cash to purchase it, and then figuring out the logistics of getting it set up. We tend to put it off until the last minute, after all, the trees tend to get marked down if you wait until the last day. This lack of motivation in the tree department showed up early in our marriage when on our second Christmas together we got a sympathy tree left on our porch by John’s parents on Christmas Eve.

If it weren’t for the kids, I’m pretty sure this Christmas Tree tradition would have died in our house long ago. There have been plenty of years where we’ve successfully thought up some excuse to not have a tree, like a curious toddler or the fact that we can help both sets of parents set up and decorate their trees. Last year the excuses were stress from an unexpected pregnancy, support raising, and a tiny living room. Someone heard one of our kids lamenting the fact that there probably wouldn’t be a tree and they left us a tiny tabletop tree. It was so cute, and perfect for that time.

It isn’t that we haven’t grown up with the tradition. Both our families have faithfully set up trees each year. Growing up, I have fond memories of our yearly unsuccessful search for a suitable tree on our 80 acres, followed by the deciphering of the code to putting together our well-worn artificial tree, which we lovingly called the “green bottle brush.” It was not a particularly attractive tree, but it was beautiful to my younger self. I loved coming down early in the morning in the dark and sitting by the colorful lights shining through the room. I still like that feeling. But the truth of the matter is, that traditions are a whole lot easier to keep when someone else is keeping them for you.

This year, of course, is different. We don’t have anyone to pick up the slack. Whatever we do for Christmas will be up to us. In some ways, it’s freeing. We can do anything we want! I’m married to a man who questions all assumptions when it comes to traditions and he’s all for changing it up a bit. But on the other hand, it feels stressful, because it is all up to me and somehow being far from family and the celebrations and traditions we are used to makes it more important to follow through with something, even it if it is different than normal.

And my kids are asking for a tree. Getting out the ornaments is important to them. Hanging up the stockings, even if they don’t get as filled as they do at Grandma and Nana’s houses, is essential to Christmas in their mind. And so these things we did. We found a small potted Christmas tree that could sit on top of the table that was in the way for a full tree and has the added benefit of being able to be transplanted instead of thrown out after Christmas. And it was the perfect size for one string of lights and our ornaments.

I’m taking the advantage that I am needing to take it easy today as I fight a bad head cold to do another post about our summer adventures. These are obviously a whole lot more exciting in person, but hopefully it is still nice to see and read a little about the area we live in.

This trip was the second large outing we did while my Mom was here. It really was a lot of fun and we are planning on taking John’s parents there as well this weekend. We bought the cheap family train tickets which allow us unlimited access to certain trains in our state of Baden-Württemberg. After a 20 minute ride to a nearby train station, we were able to make the rest of the trip using public transportation, which can be quite fun and in some cases more relaxing than driving. Most trains from our out of the way area head to Freiburg before heading anywhere else, so we took advantage of this fact to also spend a little time showing Mom and Liza this city.

Freiburg is very beautiful with tons of old buildings, a large Münster (cathedral), and little water canals running through the streets. John came here every day for his language classes, so he is familiar with some of the areas of the city. The day we went was market day, so we had a chance to wander through the market stalls and sample some of the food sold there. My mom bought the boys two little wooden boats to float on the canals, and they spent a long time racing these up and down the street canals. It’s such a simple thing, but when I look at the pictures of their time I feel like that memory will stick with me as a picture perfect moment for the rest of my life. Hopefully it will be added to their fond memories of Germany as well.

After returning to the train station, we boarded the train for Titisee. The train took us through the mountains to the lake that is situated in the middle of a forested area. There were tunnels and steep wooded hillsides. It was a wonderfully beautiful trip. Despite a stressful beginning to our outing when Will accidentally broke an intricately delicate wooden carved toy, we found Titisee to be one of the most relaxing places we’ve been in Germany. The weather was perfect, with a nice breeze coming off the lake. Despite the other tourists it didn’t feel crowded, and shopping the little shops, sitting by the lake, and sampling German ice cream were all relaxing activities. John took the two oldest kids on a boat on the lake. The rest of us shopped for little trinkets to take back home and treated ourselves to ice cream treats. Seth got his first taste of Spaghetti Eis, which is a very German treat.

I was exhausted by the time we were ready to head home, but it was worth it.

OK, it’s taken me a little longer to get around to this than I had planned, but here is part one of our summer adventures with family.

My mom and sister Liza arrived a couple weeks after Dietrich was born, which meant I was recovered enough to be up for outings during the week my mom was here. Our first outing was to the ruined castle in Lörrach, which was one of the first places we had visited together as a family on arriving in Germany, so it made a good choice for sharing with our visitors.

We decided we wanted to add a small hike onto the beginning of the outing, so we drove to a Parkplatz in the woods and parked the van so that we could walk through the forest to the castle. We got all unloaded, put Dietrich in the moby wrap, packed up our lunch and got ready to head out. At that moment Seth began complaining that his ear hurt. He had apparently told someone this earlier in the day, but hadn’t made a big deal out of it, so we hadn’t been worried. Now he said it hurt very bad and of course we had no pain medication to give him.

I had bought some gummies as a special treat for after lunch, so we stashed a few of them in a pocket and told him these were medicine if he chewed them slowly enough. We started off, Seth happily chewing a gummy worm. Unfortunately as soon as the gummy worm was gone, he started crying about the pain again. We had not made it very far, so we paused and held a consultation. John decided to head back to the van. He’d drive it to Lörrach, find an Apotheke and buy some pain medication for Seth, and then meet us at the castle. I wanted to send Seth with him so that he could get his medicine quicker, but he promised he wouldn’t cry on the hike if we’d let him go with us, so against my better judgement I agreed.

We split up and headed on again. The woods were lush and green. The temperature was perfect for hiking, not too hot, not too cold. It really was beautiful. But it was hard to enjoy as Seth became harder and harder to distract from his painful ear. Once we were out of gummy worms and pointing out slugs on the trail no longer interested him, his wailing became louder and more constant. By the end of the hike I was dragging him by one hand (because he didn’t really want anyone else) while he wailed in an imitation of a fog horn. It was not our finest moment.

And then the castle came into sight and with the trees with elaborate exposed root systems that the kids love. And around the corner of the castle wall came the familiar form of John. Seth was rescued by a dose of pain relief and the distraction of climbing and clambering through the roots. And that was it. He never complained again of his ear hurting. There were no more needed doses of pain medication, and no more tears shed. Thankfully despite the bad timing of his episode, we greatly enjoyed our outing.