1. Anniversaries are somewhat meaningless in measuring wisdom. We cannot expect someone to have the answers to healthy relationships just because they have been married a long time. And though I don’t think it is wrong to recognize and celebrate certain milestones, I also feel strongly that longevity is not necessarily an indicator of relationship success. So, take that as you will, and read on with a critical eye. 
2. People change over time, which means that their relationships necessarily do as well. The two 20 year olds who stood in Siloam Springs Bible Church 25 years ago and said “I do,” are not the same people as the two 45 year olds who are living life together now. Over the years we have both been many different versions of ourselves in many different versions of relationship. Our relationship has sometimes been an assumption, barely there as we learned to survive as adults and parents. Other times, it has been weighty for me, a responsibility that felt hard, an expectation that I could never ever live up to. Then there were times of discovery, a freedom found in learning to think about ourselves and each other without the burden of the expectations of our former selves. And there were times of anguish and questioning, wondering if this relationship was still worth the effort it took. Other times, and I think this is one of them, our relationship has been comfortable, not as exciting as some of those other times perhaps, but also not nearly as difficult. I’ve been pondering this lately, and wondering if it is healthier to live in continual gratitude for each stage you’ve been able to experience, or if we should be constantly striving to return to some previous rendition of our relationship. A friend recently pointed out that just because I’ve left fulfilling seasons in the past, doesn’t mean that there are not new and wonderful times ahead. This struck me as very wise. I would like to adopt this attitude, allowing myself to be grateful for what was and what is, while also working towards health and wholeness with a patient and open expectancy of what will be.
3. Choice is an essential and always present piece of every relationship. You, like I, may have been led to believe differently. At the time I made vows to my husband, I truly thought this was a one and done decision I was making. In some ways that brought me peace as it removed a certain amount of anxious questioning that I was often prone to. But I have come to believe that this concept of the once and forever decision is just not true. We always have a choice. Every day we get to decide if we are present in this relationship or not. As we grow and change and our partner grows and changes, I believe it is a healthy and necessary thing to recognize our own agency in the continuance of the relationship. I was raised in a religious and cultural context that made very little room for the choice to leave a relationship after wedding vows were said. Divorce was really only justified on the grounds of infidelity or abuse, which meant that it was always negative and was most definitely a failure. I was taught that I shouldn’t even consider it an option because that would cause me to not be fully committed to the relationship. I have now realized that it is the existence of continual choice that actually frees me to fully and truly commit. Recognizing and exercising choice can be a scary thing. I have walked the dark and fearful path of truly questioning whether or not I wanted to continue this journey with this partner, and it was not an easy place to find myself. Ironically, what rescued me from those moments of internal angst was the recognition that not only could I choose to leave, but I could also choose to stay, which I realized was exactly what I wanted to do.  Again, not a once and forever choice, just a choice for that moment, that day, that month, that year, and on and on and on.
4. Choice goes both ways. Maybe this is obvious, but in case it is not, let me extrapolate. It is not just that I have agency to choose, but so does my partner. This means I must give him the space to do so. I believe that true love does not cling, but rather holds loosely, allowing the other person to choose how present they are at any given time, and ultimately whether or not they want to stay. It doesn’t mean I can’t bring up concerns or ask for things, but I must always respect the other’s individuality within the relationship. If I had learned this earlier in my relationship I think it would have saved me from a lot of unrealistic expectations and disappointments and allowed me to focus more on learning who my husband actually was, rather than who he was expected to be.
5. Personal growth enriches rather than detracts from our relationships. I was raised in a patriarchal context surrounded by subtle and sometimes not so subtle messages that my husband’s goals and priorities should be my own. Example: I read an organization book written for wives and mothers who were managing large households that told me to let my husband set our family’s priorities and to set aside time in my day to work towards his goals. It took some time for me to completely separate from this cultural expectation and realize that it is my own goals and priorities that I should make central to my day. And while I think this is a worthwhile endeavor in and of itself because I believe I am worth my own time and effort, I also think that my relationships thrive when I am actively working towards becoming who I want to be in this world.