You know how they say that you never realize how selfish you are until you become a parent. When I hear that I assume that somehow parenting is thought to somehow “cure” you of that selfishness. But it doesn’t. Parenting innately causes you to see your selfishness as you struggle to make choices all day long that put others above yourself. But, at least in my case, after battling my selfishness all day long I feel that I am now entitled to more because of it. It becomes: “It’s been a long day, I deserve some time to just zone out in front of the TV.” or “I’m tired, I don’t want to get off the couch even though it will only take me two minutes to walk up the stairs and tuck the boys in like they’ve asked.” or “I need chocolate, because, you know, it’s just one of those days.” So instead of conquering selfishness, I’ve just given it a new name.

Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is a hard job, and I do think that moms deserve some time off and extra treats now and then. Don’t worry, I’m definitely not in danger of denying myself so much that I become an unhealthy wreck and I’m not suggesting you do either. The problem isn’t the chocolate, or the TV show, or the extra special hidden dessert. What is a problem is if those once in awhile treats become the norm. It’s a problem if my habitual actions are to put myself first and push my children aside. If my kids come home from school and I’m on the computer and can’t take a few minutes to listen to their day, what does that say to them? If my kids know that mom is secretly eating all the dessert after they go to bed (and believe me I have one old enough to calculate how many servings of dessert were made and how many “mysteriously” disappeared) then what does that teach them about self-control and an attitude of generosity? If I tell the kids to clean up their mess when they are finished, but routinely leave mine lying around because “I just don’t have the time,” how do I expect them to learn to manage their time and make good choices? These are all things I need to improve on.

And so, I’ve decided I need to make some changes around here. Putting them down in writing is my attempt at making these official and will hopefully help keep me accountable to them.

The first change I’ve already done, and that is to limit my “TV” time. The kids are already limited to no screen time (computer, ipad, or TV) on Monday through Friday afternoon. I have limited my TV time to just Thursday night and Saturdays, unless I’m watching with John or the kids. Thursday night is “my” night, my chance to have an evening all to myself and watch “my” shows. Limiting to just that night has helped me not turn on a show anytime I’ve felt like it, but rather look forward in anticipation to that one evening. I allow some TV watching on Saturday too, but I’m trying to not do too much on that day. We have Friday night movie night, and I watch shows with John on the weekend evenings. So, other than those times, TV time is off-limits.

The second change has to do with general computer time. I would like to limit this even more, but to start with I am going to commit to not be on the computer from the time the kids get home from school (4pm) to the boys’ bedtime (7:30pm). I don’t want to be on every evening after 7:30pm either as that limits my interaction with John and Elise, but I still need to determine what is practical in that area.

Third, I am going to commit to being more present when my kids come home from school. I am going to plan ahead better, know when they are walking in the door (or in some cases when I have to go get them) and be ready with a healthy snack and a listening ear. On days that they all get home together (Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday) I’d like us all to sit down together to eat our snack and share about our day.

Fourth, I am re-working my chore schedule. This has less to do with selfishness and more to do with extreme frustration. After moving to Germany I was able to finally get myself into a workable chore routine. Each day had its own to do list and things were finally getting accomplished in a timely fashion. I didn’t do it perfectly, but I felt more in control of my household responsibilities than I think I ever have. But ever since Dietrich was born, I haven’t been able to get back to that same routine. I’ve tried. I have the same schedule, just tweaked due to a different daily schedule, but I can’t ever seem to accomplish the to do list for that day. And because I know it will be the same next week, I feel pressure on the next day to do both that day’s list and the one before, which just means I get more behind. It isn’t just Dietrich that has added to my workload, but ironically having kids in school adds its own set of daily interruptions because of pickups and drop-offs and competing schedules. By the end of the week I just feel frustrated with both the daily needed tasks that are not done and the weekly desired projects that were pushed aside because I was “too behind.” And as my frustration level rises, my ability to make good selfless decisions deteriorates. So, I’ve finally come to a conclusion: There is not enough time in my day to do what I have on each to do list. Period. It’s not happening and it won’t happen right now with the schedule we have. So the first step to finding a solution was to adjust my expectations. And then finally this week the second step dawned on me. I am going to take everything off of my “daily” to do list that doesn’t have to be tied to specific day. The only things on my daily to do list will be things that have to be done on a daily/weekly basis (like laundry, paying bills, and mopping floors) and a few things that I need to do for healthy living reasons (like my Bible study, 10 minutes of exercise, etc). Everything else will get put on one long to do list. And then every time that I have an hour set aside to do chores, I’ll work on that long to do list, working through it in order. That way I know that eventually everything will get done, it just might take me longer than a week to get through it. Once I do get through it I just start back at the beginning again. The only danger I see in this is the fact that it might make it easier for me to be lazy and choose not to do chores at all if I don’t feel like it. So my solution for that is to still make sure I have scheduled times throughout my week to work on the cumulative list and set a timer and work until that timer goes off. That way I will spend time on the list, but still also have an end time so that I don’t feel the weight of it once my time is up. We’ll see how it works. Now I just have to find the time to make my list . . .

“How many days is it now?” We hear that a lot in our house as the kids count down to a holiday or a special occasion. Lately it has been Seth asking how soon his 4 year old birthday party will be. Will occasionally asks me how many days it is until something that hasn’t even been scheduled yet. He seems frustrated when I can’t give him an answer.

Waiting for something planned or a holiday can be deliciously fun. The anticipation is exciting as you watch the days get closer to the long-awaited event. But just like Will I get frustrated when the thing I’m waiting for is on an unknown timeline. Then it is hard to wait.

That’s what it has been like to wait for our departure for Germany. Despite the many things that make it hard to leave, both John and I are anxious and ready to begin our new life. But the timing is not up to us. We can plan, we can pray, and we can ask. But sometimes it feels like mostly we wait.

I have no doubt this is a good thing. God has been teaching us many things this year. Sometimes I think it takes us a long time to learn them. It is hard to let go of any control we think we have and lean on God’s provision. But we are trying. It is hard to wait, but learning to anticipate and hope for something even when we don’t know how long it will take is well worth the effort.

As I travel through the barely inhabited rolling plains of Montana, I feel at peace. Which is actually really nice, because just two days ago I was wondering how long it would be before my emotions calmed down a bit. I had hoped that TeachBeyond Orientation would be a refreshing, recharging experience, and in some ways it was. But it was also very emotionally draining. Everything seems so much more real now. We still don’t know exactly when we are leaving, but we are leaving. And I have a very real sense that what we are choosing to do will change us in ways that we cannot even begin to imagine. It WILL NOT be easy. In fact, I have a real sense that this is going to be very hard. But it will be good, even if it doesn’t feel good for awhile.

On the last evening of Orientation, after many hours of listening and talking through issues concerning culture adaptation, transition, third culture kids, and more, we all gathered together in the Bethel Seminary Chapel for our dedication. Surrounded by 80 plus candidates hoping to join the work TeachBeyond is doing around the world, I felt very inadequate. I’m not the right person for this job. I don’t have the right experience. I’m not strong enough. And then it dawned on me, God isn’t asking me to be the right person, but rather to become the right person.

Let’s face it. Most of the people God chose in the Bible to do his work had some pretty major flaws. God isn’t asking us to follow him because we have it all together. He’s asking us if we are willing to let him work in us to accomplish his purpose. So the question is: Am I willing to sacrifice who I am to become someone different?

The goats forage outside my work room window.  Leah, the very pregnant farm cat, wanders noiselessly through their pen.  In the background I hear Elise’s quiet voice as she reads to the boys.

How do I store up these quiet moments so that I can remain peaceful in the hectic ones?  How do I remain calm at heart and keep my voice gentle when the sounds I hear are children screaming at each other, and the sights I see are chores to be done?  As we prepare to began another school year, I find myself thinking through my priorities and reminding myself of what is truly important.  There is so much I could accomplish, and yet so little I actually can, that I have decided it is best to make some goals for each of us this year.  Goals that will hopefully help focus our studies and activities and responsibilities.

So, for myself my over-riding goal is to cultivate a quiet and peaceful spirit — a calmness that will bring laughter to our days and contentment to my heart (no matter what actually gets done).  I know this is a big thing to ask of myself, and I know I won’t be able to actually do it without God’s help, but it will be my prayer for this year.  Here is the prayer that I will be using to focus each of my days:

Lord, help me to see out of your eyes.  To see each day as a gift from you, full of opportunities and blessings.  To see my children as bundles of potential, each disobedience or mistake an opportunity to draw them closer to you.  To see my work and chores as a joy, but not a distraction from what truly matters.  Amen.

Someone recently asked me about my blog name, and I thought it would be best to answer her with a post.

The  name originated with the idea in Psalm 30:5-

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Not a direct quote, but for me it gives the general idea.  In my life, this is what my spiritual journey has looked like.

No matter what has happened in my life, joy has always followed.  The interesting thing is that the deeper the pain, the more intense the joy.  That just seems to be the way God works.

I struggled a lot with faith and what that meant in my life as a child.  I didn’t always “feel” like I believed, and the lesson I had to learn was that our faith is not based on feelings but rather on our decisions.  I chose to follow Jesus and that carried me through, no matter how I felt or how many doubts I had.  Despite my struggles with this that sometimes threw me into emotional upheaval, I was still a very joyful child.  It was a gift God had given me.

I grew up, and I learned that love is a lot like faith.  It’s not based on feelings, but on choices.  Sure, the feelings are important, who would want to marry someone that they didn’t like, but if you don’t have something deeper than that, something called commitment, it’s never going to go anywhere.  And you are going to be very unhappy.  I made a commitment to John, we got married, and lived happily ever after.  OK, so that’s a little cliche, but really it is very true.  Our lives are full of joy.  We’ve had misunderstandings, we’ve had hurt, but afterwards, there is always joy.

Then we decided to embark on the journey of parenthood and were blessed with a healthy, bouncy baby girl.  Everything was perfect right?  But for some reason I didn’t FEEL like it was perfect.  I felt depressed, weepy, and full of worry.  I cried and had a hard time being motivated to get off the couch.  This wasn’t what motherhood was supposed to be like.  Why couldn’t I enjoy this wonderful baby, which happened to be one of the few things in life that I had wanted since childhood?  It turned out I had something called postpartum depression.  It sapped the joy right out of me and things were not right.  But, with a little bit of time, a caring doctor, and a prescription for anti-depressants I began to feel like my world wasn’t falling apart after all.  I dealt with the post-partum depression with each of my kids, but one of the interesting things I found was that during those dark days I could still see glimpses of joy.  God’s presence was clearly felt.  When I felt like I couldn’t hold on any longer, it was as if he said, “That’s OK, just let go.  I’ve got you.”  I often turned to the Psalms, searching for encouragement in those verses of trial and triumph.  And then there was joy.  It would start slowly at first, perhaps a small glimmer in an afternoon, then the next day I’d find myself spending a whole hour feeling it, and soon most of the day felt bright again.  The anti-depressants were a must, but I have to say that I am thankful that God walked me down that path all four times, because what I gained was a greater appreciation of normalcy, of faith, and most of all of joy.

Then, in our 5th year of marriage, we experienced loss.  In less than a year, we both welcomed and said goodbye to our second daughter.  We realized quickly that Emma was not a healthy normal child.  As diagnosis after diagnosis came in, her care became more and more difficult.  Yet, it was never too much.  Emma’s whole demeanor was one of joy.  Her eyes almost twinkled; her smile was contagious.  When you were around her you couldn’t help but experience joy.  I remember clearly the day when I realized truly that I was the mother to a handicapped child.  A child who may be handicapped her whole life.  In that moment I cried.  I fled the hospital room where Emma and I were staying and found a semi-private bench in the outdoor garden and I cried.  I was sorry for Emma, but probably even more importantly I was sorry for myself.  I realized this meant I was committed to caring for her needs through all her childhood and most likely into her adulthood as well.  I cried for Emma, what she might not get to experience, and I cried for me, for what I might have to sacrifice in order to care for her.  And then I dried my tears.  I returned to our little hospital room and I never again spent time feeling sorry for myself over that issue.  Sure there were still days where I found the care overwhelming, but I was no longer worried about how long or how much I would need to give to her.  I don’t really remember feeling sorry for Emma after that either.  I don’t think I really realized it at the time, but I had become committed to Emma, to caring for her in the best way I could for as long as I was needed.  I became fully engrossed in her care and realized great joy in the times I spent with her.  And great joy in the limited time I spent with John and Elise as well.

When Emma died, I thought it would be so hard to fill my time.  I had spent so many hours of each day caring for her that I didn’t know what I would fill that time with.  I was afraid of depression, of falling into a deep dark hole that I couldn’t climb out of by myself.  I was worried I’d need anti-depressants again.  But I didn’t.  I grieved, but I also rejoiced.  I knew where Emma was, I knew she was being well cared for, and I knew she was healthy and strong.  I realized the blessings we had been given in the short time we’d been able to care for her, and I was able to thank God for his perfect timing and his wonderful gifts.  My heart was filled with inexplicable joy.

Later, when Will was born I began to know even more joy.  I cried during his labor, but I’m not sure if I can explain why.  I know I was thinking of Emma, I know I was worried about the delivery and the postpartum depression, and I know that I was in a lot of pain.  It was just an overwhelming emotional experience.  I wasn’t really thinking about Will at that point.  But then suddenly he was here.  And I couldn’t believe that I had this wonderful gift that I absolutely did not deserve.  I knew he didn’t replace Emma, but he helped to fill my arms at a time when my arms ached to be filled.  He brought me joy.  Well, no.  I think the joy still came from God, but he delivered it in a not so little bundle in the noon hour of July 19, 2007.

Of course 2008 brought with it another child, one who hadn’t been expected at all.  Now I can’t imagine life without him, but there was a time when I wasn’t sure I wanted this new little life that I had discovered was growing inside of me.  Seth, who is a little bit stubborn and very mischievous, came 10 days late and has been causing trouble ever since.  But his adorable smile, everyday laughter, and positive outlook on life have endeared him to just about everyone he meets.  He’s even been known to run up and hug complete strangers.  His goal in life seems to be to bring others joy (except in the case of his brothers and sisters, if he can’t make them laugh, then making them scream seems to be the next best thing).  But needless to say, God has used him to brighten our days and remind us of what is truly important in life.

And now: The kids are growing, interacting, building relationships.  John and I are building our talents, searching for the important things in life, and trying to figure out how and where to serve God better.  We’re living in the present, while still wondering what the future holds.

But no matter what, I know I will still be able to say, “And then there was joy.”  Because my joy doesn’t rely on circumstances or even on how I FEEL.  It is a result of my faith, my commitments, and most of all God’s love.

This blog post is not about food or about family, but it is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I love writing blogs. I like to read blogs as well, though I’ll be honest that there are only a very few I read consistently as I just don’t have the time in the day to sit and read about a complete stranger’s life, no matter how interesting they are. But every once in awhile, I steal an evening away from other activities and read a few posts on top rated online blogs. This activity has made me realize though, some of the inherent dangers in blogging, whether you are writing or reading them.

First, let’s looking at reading. What happens when you read another person’s blog? You hopefully feel encouraged or enlightened and come away with some great ideas to try in your life. But often, you might also feel a bit overwhelmed or discouraged as you compare your life with someone else’s. This I think is even more of a danger when you are reading the blog of a complete stranger. Good writers can make the mundane normal day sound spectacular. You will see pictures of beautifully decorated, clean houses and smiling, well-dressed children. Even people’s lunches are artfully arranged on perfect dinnerware. After reading too many of these picture perfect blog posts, you will probably start to feel some discontentment in regards to your own life. These people seem to have it made while your life often feels like it is falling apart. Can I let you in on a little blogger secret? While you are most likely seeing a true moment of someone’s day in a blog post, it is just a moment. It’s a tiny sliver that they’ve allowed you to see. Those pictures were most likely posed, the angle of the camera adjusted to leave out the toys on the floor, and the food spectacularly arranged on just one plate out of many. Their kids have meltdowns too, their house gets messy, and they also sometimes feel like they are barely hanging on. I know, because I am a blogger, and all those things are true of me. Even if I do share some of my down moments in a day, I use enough humor that you probably think that I reacted calmly and correctly in the situation. I can just about guarantee you that I didn’t.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t read blogs. Since I write blogs, I do expect someone to read them. But I do encourage you to do it without comparing. Don’t be fooled by someone’s perfect moment. Let yourself be encouraged, glean great ideas, and laugh at someone’s humorous retelling of a day. But if you find yourself starting to get discouraged, it’s time to turn off the computer and return to your own day, which if you pay attention is also filled with lots of those little slivers of perfection.

And that is why I also encourage you to write your own blog. One of the reasons I enjoy writing in my blog is that it encourages me to look for the good in each day. When you start wondering how you can make a situation sound humorous in the retelling, you start to be less stressed and more relaxed. As you brag on your kids, you start to notice the good things they accomplished in a day, and not just the bad things. Blogging has the potential of improving your whole attitude.

But writing blogs is not without its own risks. You may find that as you become addicted to living out your life on the computer screen, that you are less likely to be 100% involved in your “real” life. Be careful that you are living in the present. Don’t let blogging take the place of prayer and quiet time with the Lord. Telling your day’s struggles and triumphs should be done to God and your husband and not only to the online world. Don’t be so obsessed with getting that perfect blog-worthy photo that you don’t enjoy just spending time and making memories. Recording special events is great, but if you weren’t actually involved in the memory making, what good is it?

I know I sound like an expert here, but please know that writing this blog has reminded me of things I need to work on in this area as well. If you are reading this, I’m thankful that you are taking the time to read a part of our life, and I hope that you find encouragement here. I hope that I write with enough transparency so that you can see that my life is just as real as yours. But even when it isn’t obvious, please know that there is much more you are not seeing. And that much more looks an awful lot like a normal day.

In the spirit of being transparent, here is a photo that proves my point. At first glance, this looks like a peaceful blueberry picking outing. Look carefully. In the background, you will see just a glimpse of a bit of chaos that for some reason exploded at exactly the time that my sister was trying to record the morning on camera.

I’ve been in kind of a funk lately. I think if I had to put a name to it I would have to call it dissatisfaction. I’ve been doing a lot of feeling sorry for myself lately.

I am enjoying all my hobbies immensely. John says I should be careful how much time I spend on them because I will get burned out. I thought of that last night as I was thinking how very little time lately I have been able to carve out of my day to devote to “me” stuff. I don’t think I have to worry about getting burned out on hobby time at this rate. But why is it that no one cautions us about motherhood in the same way. “Be careful how much time you spend taking care of those kids. You’re liable to get burned out. Then you won’t be good for anything.” Hmm, you think?

I know that what I am feeling is not all right, that there are many wonderful blessings to being a stay at home mom, so let me add a disclaimer now. This post might not be the most positive one I write, but I feel like I need to share just a bit of what this looks like for me lately. And hopefully I’ll be able to end with something a bit more uplifting. We’ll see if I get that far. I’m working on it. 🙂

I know that something is not quite right in my mothering world right now. Because lately, most of what I see is the negative. I hate that 10 minutes (sometimes less) after I clean up the living room it is littered with kids’ coats, shoes, socks and toys. I dislike the fact that pretty much every time I am able to spend some time doing something productive, either work, creative hobby, or housework, it turns out that one or both of the boys has taken advantage of my distraction to go and destroy something. I don’t like that I don’t always enjoy sitting at the table eating with my family because I either have to get up several times to get things the kids want, or listen to their sibling squabbles over who touched who. I’m tired of the fact that pretty much the only time I can work un-distracted is when the kids are sleeping, and surprise surprise, I feel like I should be sleeping too.

Then on top of all of that, when I am feeling this way, I realize that I am not doing that great of a job. Perhaps I am doing too much, not paying enough attention, not committed enough to housework. I start to feel frustrated and it comes out in the way I deal with my kids. Then, as you all know I’m sure, things go from bad to worse. I know I need breaks. And I get plenty of them. But you know something is missing when 2 hours after you’ve had a nice evening or morning away from kids you start wishing you could have another one.

And so, I am reaching the point now, where I am dissatisfied with my dissatisfaction. I want more. I want to enjoy my kids, enjoy my days, enjoy my work, and enjoy my hobbies. Joy, that is what I want, and patience, grace, wisdom, energy . . . But I think if I had to just pick one, joy would be the one. Joy is pretty important to me, as most of those who know me would probably attest to. That’s why I named my blog: “And Then There Was Joy.” I was thinking more big picture when I wrote that, how no matter what grief we have walked through, we can still experience joy. But I am realizing that still applies to my every day life. It is there for the taking, I’m just not taking it.

I know that being a mother is a hard job and will always be a hard job. It’s not going to get any easier, and there will always be something that is hard for me to handle in this job. There will always be distractions, my kids will need lots of discipline for many more years, there will be noise, there will be mess, and there will be frustration. To be honest, I now realize that I cannot do it. I do not have the energy, the willpower, or even the passion to do this job. But I know who does. I have heard God calling to me the last few days. His little nudges reminding me that if I want to get through my day with joy, I need to start it by looking for the real source of that joy. His voice telling me that if I want to have the energy to get through a whole day with all that it requires of me, that I need to sit down in the middle of it and have a timeout listening to Him. And his encouragement that if I want to see how much I have accomplished in my day so that I can feel true satisfaction, I need to end that day with time for reflection on the things that really matter.

So now I know what I need to do. All that is left is to do it.

I think it safe to say that I do not really enjoy life as a single mom.  But I am learning some things about myself while John is gone, and though some of them are not pleasant revelations, they will turn out for the good I think.  I would like to share some of what God is teaching me right now, but first a quick update on how things are here at the Lein household.

We’ve been busy, especially this weekend.  Wednesday we spent all afternoon shopping with friends.  Thursday I was at the store in the morning while the kids played at “Isabella’s house,” or that is how Elise would say it.  Thursday afternoon I had a lot of orders to get in the mail from the website, so I was busy all afternoon doing that.  That evening Tia and Tio (Bekah and Herbie) came over and watched a movie with me to keep me company.  Friday the store was closed, but I did some misc work until evening when we went to stay at my parents’ house.  We spent the night out there and then Saturday I went back in to run the store all day.  Saturday is usually our biggest retail day at the store, and it turned out to be a pretty good one.  The only issue I ran into was that the checkout system at the store was not working, but thankfully Brad (our amazing programmer) came to the rescue.   Saturday night I woke up with a horrendous illness, but it passed quickly thankfully.  Today we spent the afternoon at Mom’s after church and then came home right before the storms hit.  Now Elise is sleeping next to me in bed because of the lightning.  It is quieting down now, so I will have to move her soon.  Oh, and Will took his first multiple steps this weekend.  Perhaps he will have something to surprise Daddy with when he gets home.
And now, to what I have been learning.  It has become quite obvious to me how much I rely on my husband for.  There are the technical things – like logging someone else onto our wireless internet or taking charge to get a bug in the website fixed.  There are the little things I just never have asked him – like what the password to his computer is (I finally figured out that one) and what are the names of his contacts at work in case they call.  There are the emotional ones – like a comforting presence in the evenings and someone to tell my inner struggles to.  And there are the practical things – like that extra hand with the children (especially in the area of discipline) or someone to take over for me when I don’t feel well or are at my wit’s end.

I started thinking today about all this and began to wonder if I rely too much on my husband.  Especially in the emotional department.  I am not very good alone, I get depressed and I get to overthinking everything (which is possibly what I am doing now).  🙂  But is this something that I should be relying on God for?  I know that God made family relationships for a reason, and that when he said it is not good for man to be alone, he probably meant woman too.  But I also know that he wants to be my all in all, the one that completes me.  I also know that even my husband would say that sometimes I am “too submissive.”  I don’t like to make decisions on my own and believe it or not often struggle to give an opionion on things when asked because I am not very opinionated.  I have been working on this area and found that having to make decisions for the store this week is a good step in the right direction.  And so I am finding peace in this in two truths.  One, that I do need my husband and am so thankful that God has given me such a wonderful man to partner with, and two, that I do need to be working more on my relationship with God.  It is easy sometimes to put other relationships in the place of God, or perhaps even to ignore and hide our flaws behind the strengths of another person.

For example, I am not a very good discipliner.  When John and I are parenting as a team, things work fairly well.  But, a good portion of the time I am the one doing the parenting as he is not here most of the day.  And I am beginning to see the areas in which I am lacking.  This was really bothering me this weekend and I found myself before the Lord feeling completely humbled as I saw what a mess I am.  I knew that it is only going to be with God’s help that I improve in this area, and that it is only in my pursuing a deeper relationship with him that it will happen.  It was not a pleasant place to find myself, but it was where I needed to be.  This morning in church I was encouraged through the pastor’s sermon to come boldly before God’s throne and ask his forgiveness.  I know I don’t deserve it, but I do know that because of Jesus’ death that forgiveness is already mine.  I hope that this experience will encourage me to follow through on my intentions this time around.  It is often that I have failed to fit time with God into my busy schedule.  But each day is full of decisions and I plan on making a better one in this area tomorrow.